On Loyalty: If you're not with me, are you necessarily against me?

The concept of loyalty is something I have always struggled with, both personally and philosophically. I'm speaking specifically in regards to loyalty in friendships. Trusting that someone is loyal is one thing that has proven difficult for me in many different situations over the course of my life. This is largely because in many cases where I have trusted someone, my trust has been betrayed. This is not to say that there aren't some people who have stuck by me regardless. But the number of cases of "disloyalty" far outweigh those. Personally, this is something I am still dealing with. But philosophically, my thoughts have changed a bit -- perhaps to a more muddled state than it was before.

When we were younger (think junior high and high school) it was generally pretty clear-cut. "If you're not with me, you're against me." The idea that my friend dislikes someone so I dislike them too was very common and acceptable - especially among teenage girls. As we grew up, we realized that this isn't necessarily a good way of operating in the world. It *is* theoretically possible to be friends with two people who are not friends with each other. It is even possible (albeit often difficult) to remain friends with two people who are fighting or very decidedly do not like each other. But when is such a case not okay?

Consider this scenario: I am friends with Lily and Daisy. Lily does not like Daisy and has not treated her particularly nicely. Consequently, Daisy also does not like Lily. What does it say about my loyalty towards/friendship with Daisy if I continue to be friends with Lily? Am I supporting her negative treatment of another friend of mine by continuing to maintain my own friendship with her? Is it enough to state to Lily that I don't agree with her and I don't like what she is doing? People are responsible for their own actions. We cannot control what other people do. But when and where does that line fall in friendships? And how can this be done without being viewed as 'taking sides'?

We are taught that all evil needs in order to take over is for good people to sit by and do nothing. So what happens if we do speak up to the friend who is not being particularly nice -- if we refuse to be a bystander and intervene, but the 'evil' (yes, I realize 'evil' is a bit of a stretch from 'not nice') still continues? How do we show our approval/disapproval for someone's actions, and what constitutes supporting (or not supporting) said actions?

Personally, if one friend of mine is treating another friend of mine crappily, I wouldn't feel comfortable continuing to be friends with that person because I would feel like an enabler. But then again, how much control would I ever have over that person's actions anyway? If I said something and it still doesn't stop, what more can I do? Do I sacrifice my own friendship with that person as a statement? Would it do anyone any good?

I guess a lot of it just boils down to maturity. And the sad reality is that even post-adolescence, it is often difficult to find two (or three) people who are all on the same high enough level of maturity to handle difficult social interactions in an adult manner. Sometimes the "mean girls" just grow up into mean women.